If You're Scared Don't Show It

One week and many brash, uninformed speeches later...

The convention wasn't bad. I was really surprised at the amount of free time that I didn't have. (For those of you who are too lazy to look at the last post I was at an ELS synod convention.) Well, I had free time but it was spent organizing things to do during my other free time. What made the convention bearable was the down time filled with other people. I had a few people around just about every night. Applebee's has some really good smoothies. I don't remember the name, but I'd recommend the top one on the menu.

So now I'm actually quite dissapointed to be home. Funny how that works huh? I've got nobody to hang out with here. Something that really surprised me though was that the people who lived right there within a few minutes of each other didn't hang out that much? I don't get it. Living away from my friends for a good 4 years now during the summer I get used to it. But if you live that close I can't imagine not hanging out, at the least, weekly!

One step closer to getting my laptop. The loan was approved but they made the disbursement date August 29th for some reason. I'll have to call about that. It would be nice to have the laptop all setup the way I want it and everything before I'm already starting school.

I'm still kind of skeptical about going back though. (I talked about this before here.) I don't know hy, I haven't quite pinpointed it. I'll be sure to let you know though.

Song: Little Big Town - Bring It On Home

So am I still waiting?

A week of my first fun plans of the summer right down the shitter. So my parent's were going to be gone for a week (up at Bethany for the ELS Synod Convention.) So naturally I called some people up and had planned for a few of them to come over and have a good time.

Earlier this year my dad asked me to be an alternate for the Convention (see where this is going yet?). I accepted knowing that the same two guys have been going for the past 3 or 4 years and they've never had to use an alternate before. Well, now, all of the sudden one of them decides, 'hey. I'm not gonna go.' So now I have to throw out my *&$%in plans and go over to Minnesota to listen to some 'learned' pastors (who have forgotten that it says in the Bible itself to take it for what it says and not twist it to what you want it to say.) try to tear our synod a new one with their crap. Personally, my vote is just to kick them out. We're a small synod, honestly, screw the rules, you don't like what we believe? Leave.

So, to sum it up, I have to go to Minnesota. I don't want to go to Minnesota. I'm not happy. F!$k.

Song: Eminem - When I'm Gone

Until I feel the sun

A laptop for every child. This is a goal that is becoming closer and closer to reality. MIT Media Lab founder Nicholas Negroponte (I don't know how to pronounce it either) has been developing a laptop that will cost around $100. By 2010 he wants to have these laptops circulating to every child in the world.

The best part of it? It is powered by a handcrank. According to WIRED news one minute of hand cranking will give this 500MHz notebook 40 minutes of power. That's innovation.

The biggest breakthrough that made this project possible was the developement of a low cost LCD screen. All things considered LCD screens end up being the biggest chunk of the cost in a laptop computer. This screen was completed by CTO Mary Lou Jepsen.

While this may not seem like it would affect us at all it really does. Technological innovation in some of the worlds countries is nowhere near what it should be. This gives those countries a much better chance of catching up. The governments of Thailand and Brazil are ready to put down one million dollars each already for these computers.

These computers are not going to teach their new users to use them themselves however. This opens up an interesting opportunities for jobs possibly. The other thing that I think would work very well would be to have college students go over there to help. This would be a great experience for college aged kids to interact with other nationalities and cultures while providing a service as well.

Is this a dream or reality though? Well, WIRED.com already says that Negroponte is looking for manufacturers. "I even get checks in the mail from people who are ordering them, " he says.

Come 2010 look out world. Negroponte says, "It's every child in the world whether they want one or not. They may not know they want one."

Song: Nick Lachey - What's Left of Me

Ringin' in my Head

I guess I'm overdue for a post huh? It's not for the lack of desire to write that I don't write but the lack of ideas to write of that keep me away from clicking that new post button.

Should I just write random senseless crap like I did in my last post about absolutely nothing (aka the thoughts that go through my head throughout the day which are, fairly enough, very well summarized in the words 'absolutely nothing') I guess my onnly other choice is to randomly stumble on something that I just HAVE to write about. Odds of that happening according to Vegas 550000 to 1. Ladies and gentleman place your bets.

So today was graduation party day. Two parties today one on Saturday. As far as I know all three of these people are going to a community college next year and they are all planning on living at home throughout their year of college.

This leads me to wonder, don't they have a desire for independence? Going to a boarding high school i've lived in dorms for the majority of the past 5 years of my life. I wouldn't have traded it for anything. Now that I've experienced that independence I don't think I could stay at home for longer than a summer without going completely insane. I'm already about to lose it by the end of each summer. Is it one of those things where since you don't know what it's like you can't want it? Does it depend on your family life? I thought everyone, especially around 18, 19, 20 years old would crave this sort of independence.

I'm obviously wrong. I would be curious to know what kinds of things affect this and how. However I doubt too there are too many studies out there entitled 'Desires for independence in the young adult stage, what affects it and how?' If anyone knows one off of the top of their head feel free.

Another thing that those graduation parties made me think about. The difference between how my life was a year ago and now. Did I complicate my life? Did someone else complicate my life? Did life complicate my life? I'm not asking for sympathy. Far from it, I've learned a lot from the different things that have been thrown my way over the course of this last year. I just can't put my finger on exactly what aspect of life got so much harder.

Finally, my last questioning memory that nagged me today. Actually it nagged me quite a bit before today, but it came up again today. In the course of a year of living in high school dorms I made so many really close friends that I don't think I'll ever lose touch with. So when I came up to Bethany I naturally (I think it would be natural) expected the same thing. But I never got that feeling from anyone up there. Is it because it's college and everyone's too busy to make friends that close...no, that's definetly not it. I can't help but think It was actually very much my own fault for never really opening up to anyone. Then again, I never really felt like there was anybody I'd feel real comfortable opening up to either. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe I will never make friends that are as close as the one's I had in high school.

Side Note: For the paragraph above and for other reasons I'm feeling very mixed feelings about going back to Bethany next year. (And for those of you who actually know me in person and not just from this blog the 'other reasons' probably aren't at all what you're thinking, although they're probably very closely related)

Song: The Lashes - Sometimes the Sun

Seeing Red

I'm going to apologize for the complete and utter randomness of this post ahead of time.

Who doesn't like a day off of work? Well, I could've used the money, but I can sacrifice that $72 for sleeping in late, laying out on the lake, and grilling some chicken...delicious.

I had a good workout today. But I can't wait CANT WAIT until I get back to a weightroom with heavy dumbbells. Right now I'm using plates for dumbbells. I always start off the week good in terms of weightlifting and working out. But then I get lazy as the week goes on. I don't know why it's so much harder here at home than it is at school. Sure in college it was my job. But at high school I had no problem weightlifting every day. Weird. I guess I'll have to work on that motivation thing.

So I think my videocard in my computer just kinda blew itself out today. So I'm trying to figure stuff out in terms of if I should build a new desktop. If I get a new laptop I will have a computer. But I will only have so much storage. That becomes a problem because I have ALOT of stuff on my computer. So I'm not sure where exactly to go with that yet. It'll help when I can actually go apply for loans to see how feasible the new laptop idea is. But I can't do that until I get all my financial aid stuff back from Bethany. Geez.

Question - is it geez or jeez? Or is it personal preference? I always wondered...

Song: The Afters - Beautiful Love

Educated Guesses and Uneducated Opinions

Opinion Columns, Writers getting paid to rant. Here's an opinion. The majority of opinion columns are uselessly taking up space in the newspaper.

What’s the problem? Uneducated authors. These people don’t do their research before writing about whatever seems to be on their mind at the moment. I guess this could define the majority of bloggers out there also. The thing is, bloggers don’t get paid to write what they write.

You want opinions? I’ll give you opinions, so will 5 million other bloggers out there. The funny thing is I bet you could find bloggers who, without getting paid, would gladly write opinion articles for a weekly newspaper. Even better, they’d even do a little bit of research beforehand.

Now before I go any further I’d like to bring into the picture one fact that I’ve so far left out. In this article that I read the author even mentioned that she did not no much about the topic and that the little research she did she did not understand.

So in her defense, Halfway through her article, she at least warns you that it is utterly useless. So, my guess, I won’t be reading her articles anymore. Unless it’s out of sheer curiosity to find out what kind of stupid crap she churns out week after week. That’s my educated guess at least. Anybody have some uneducated opinions they want to throw at me on this?

Song: Josh Gracin - Favorite State of Mind

Do They?

I'll write a real entry soon. I'm loving music lately though. I really wish I had an awesome voice so I could just sing all the time. But for now I'll post lyrics.

Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
Theres pictures of you and I on the walls around me the way that it was and should have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Would it help if i turned a sad song on
"All by Myself" would sure hit me hard, now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way

Cause I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with my pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

oOOo

Well I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self-control
But I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain
To hell with this pride
Let it fall like rain, from my eyes
Tonight I wanna cry.

Song: Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry

Don't Worry...Be Happy

I really have nothing to write about but I really really like this song:

Dancin' where the stars go blue
Dancin' where the evening fell
Dancin' in your wooden shoes
In a wedding gown

Dancin' out on 7th street
Dancin' through the underground
Dancin' little marionette
Are you happy now?

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue

Laughing with your pretty mouth
Laughing with your broken eyes
Laughing with your lover's tongue
In a lullaby

Where do you go when you're lonely
Where do you go when you're blue
Where do you go when you're lonely
I'll follow you
When the stars go blue
The stars go blue, stars go blue

Song: Tim McGraw - When The Stars go Blue

Isn't Happy Monday an Oxymoron?

So on my way to work this morning (at 6AM) I realize that it's cold and I forgot my sweatshirt on the kitchen table and that I'll probably be working in a warehouse. I stop at WalMart on the way there to grab a cheap sweatshirt. And WalMart...WALMART...doesn't have sweatshirts. Some of the most basic human attire and freakin WalMart doesn't have it? So I bought a $7-on-clearance track jacket. Once I put it on outside the store I realize that it's on clearance because wearing it feels like wearing razor blades.

So then I get to work and find out I'll be workin on the computers all day and it was all for naught. I went back after work and returned the jacket and got a new wallet, and graham crackers which I am eating right now. They're delicious.

Thinking about how much money I am going to make this summer and how I am going to do absolutely nothing with it kinda sucks. It's great to save. But with my 'spending' money after I save most of it, I will buy...who knows...but it probably will be something that is pretty damn useless and not that entertaining. Then again, that probably won't be too bad either, because then my 'spending money' for the summer can be used for spending money during the school year when I actually have people to do stuff with. I think I'm going to get one of those countdown things for my computer until school starts...kinda sad that that's what gives the summer meaning.

Oh yeah...Just a little something I saw on someone else's blog that I wrote a comment on over there. Figured I might as well put it here too.

This is what they posted: If only more guys were like Jim from The Office or Mr. Darcy....

This is what I wrote: OOoooo do I hate it when girls say stuff like if only guys were like this guy or that guy from this tv show or that movie...Not because some guys aren't.

But because a guy can do absolutely everything he can think of to be that kind of guy from that tv show or movie and then that same girl who wanted that kind of guy so bad decides she'd rather still pick the guy who treats her like shit and could care less about her. And THEN they have the nerve to complain about how much that guy treats her like shit and doesn't care.

My little rants over now...thats one of those things that really pisses me off really bad though.

Song: Teddy Geiger - For You I Will (Confidence)

Tell Me Something I Haven't Read

I almost just cut myself...I was trying to close a pocket knife and the knife part just swung out. Anyways...

I got the newspaper today. On the front page of the 'Perspectives' section was an article entitled 'Online and Outraged.' This article was about a woman who would write about, well, basically, how much she hated the republican party.

So I ask, how does this get onto the front page of a newspaper? If I talked about how much I disliked the fact that the US keeps digging itself further and further into debt without even thinking about the future at all do I warrant an article on the front page?

Maybe I should talk about oil prices and how the per barrel prices are supposedly going down yet the gas station prices stay the same. Or how the new alternatives that the Department of Energy are researching need to begin to be implemented now not 20 years from now.

What I'm curious to address though is not how I can become more popular on this blog but why do people even read any blogs? Well, I guess it's one form of time-wasting entertainment. But why do people care so much about other people's opinions? It seems like people just go to read something without so much as their own opinion in mind and come out full of fiery vigor ardent to kill anyone who opposes the opinion that was presented in the piece they just read.

Be your own person. Don't just adopt opinions and views because you read them. Learn from them, add them to your ideas. Then we can talk.

Song: Cascada - Everytime We Touch

I Can't Find Myself Again

So Here I stand
On nothing but air
Waiting for you
And life to be fair

But here's the truth
Life loved you first

Now here I lay
Dreaming of you
And things we used to do
But for me life never changed
Everything there was was simply rearranged

And this I know
I'd always go
To hell and back for you

Here's the spot
Take the plunge
This is what I do

Cause here's the truth
Life loved you first
-----------------------------------------------
I thought I figured it out
This time there was no doubt

Last I saw you standing there
I try to pretend that I dont even care

But this is the thing
That I'll tell you today
I don't know if I'll ever be okay

Because the longer I wait for you
More stupid things I'm bound to do

And I try to figure out...you
What you're always thinkin about...me
When you hear my name
When you see my face
What's runnin through your brain
And is that always the case?

And I wish I could know
What's in your head
When you close your eyes
Lyin in your bed

So here I stand
Guessin again

And here I wait
Again and again and again
Waitin for you

And I try to figure out...you
what you're always thinkin about...me
When you hear my name
When you see my face
What's runnin through your brain
And is that always the case?

And I try to figure out...you
What you're always thinkin about...me
When I hear your name
Is is always the case?
Because I see that doubt hiding in your face

Thought Provoking Insightful Nothings

Curiosity killed the cat. Or so they say. The funny thing about that is cats have nine lives right? So even if curiosity killed the cat, I bet that cat pretty well satisfied his curiosity before he died all nine times.

Moral of the story everyone has a conscience, everyone knows whats right and wrong and everybody can tell when they've pushed too far.

That being said, satisfy curiosity, ask the tough questions, when something is sitting there daring you to figure it out, don't sidestep the problem. Don't find workaround solutions. Try those solutions that make you curious. You may just be surprised.

Song: Goo Goo Dolls - Become

Not Despair, Just Curiosity

Regrets are a part of life. As much as I would love to say that I've lived life with no regrets I don't think I can honestly say that. Everyone has at least one thing that they regret happening in their lives...(I'm just thinking about this as I'm typing).

I guess the trick is not to focus on the regrets. Let them go and move on with bigger and better things.

But there are some things that I'm curious. There are some things that I don't know if I would regret or not. Everybody goes through this a million times a day I guess now that I think about it.

It's called making decisions. Every decision has two sides too it. Every decision you make has a chance to be a regret. But then again, every decision you make could potentially make your life better than you ever thought it could be.

So here's to everything always working out for the best. Here's to choosing the good over the bad. Here's to decisions.

Song: Goo Goo Dolls - Better Days

It's Just Not the Same Since You Went Away

There is just nobody here this weekend. Nobody. If they are here, they have sports.Thats ok though. I needed a chance to get my financial aid stuff done. That's all pretty much done just need to polish off all the details on Monday and Tuesday. Then I can renew loans or whatever I have to do for that and hopefully get the extra for my new laptop.

I'm planning on putting the majority of my money from jobs this summer into savings. I really need to start doing better with my money.

So, watch some baseball/softball, weightlift for a couple hours, eat, clean the room, find something to do for a little bit, watch a movie and probably go to bed.

Then church tommorrow and I have to do some stuff for my speech group assignment, maybe some chemistry, and I need to catch up on all my religion assignments. That should cover it all.

I watched Just Friends this morning because I couldn't sleep. What a stupid movie. Wow, that was really dumb. I really have a knack for getting shitty movies.

Song: Brad Paisley - The World

Honolulu Leis

My new weightlifting straps should be coming in the next couple of days here. It's funny the reaction I get from people when I tell them that that's one of the things I got for my birthday. It's extra funny because I'm really excited about getting them and everyone I tell has a reaction of 'Oh...cool...' as they roll their eyes.

I think I wanna go on a bike ride or something this weekend. It's so nice out. Maybe I'll just move my room outside and sleep and live out there.

What do you think of college is? It really isn't to learn that much stuff. When you think about it, here's what happens when you go get a job.

Oh you have a college degree of who knows what. That's good, we like college degree here at SOBs Inc. Now, since you're college degree most likely didn't prepare you for jackshit of what we're doing here we'll be training you for the first few weeks. Wow, your grades weren't even that good. It's a good thing that the only reason you even have a job here is because of who you know and has nothing at all to do with your schooling.

Am I right? It doesn't matter what you learn in college. As long you get B's or so in most of your classes and end up graduating. People see you have a college degree and they say ok, you're hired. Because like the example above. It's all about who you know. Prove me wrong.

Y'know what'd be fun? I want to see a blueprint of my life. Or even just a glimpse of me in 10 years. I want to know. I want to know what I should be doing with my time now. Am I making the best of it? Am I completely wasting my time? I guess I'll never know until 10 years from now. The trip's proved interesting so far.

Song: Goo Goo Dolls - No One's Listening

Back Safely?

I love pranks. Now you're waiting for me to tell you about some really good, funny prank I pulled aren't you? Umm...I didn't...I just thought that this cartoon was funny. It reminded me of how much I loved pranks, so I thought I'd mention that. But if anyone does have any good prank ideas, please feel free. I'd love to hear them.

I just got a letter today from someone I haven't heard from in probably about a year or more now. I love it. It was 3 pages long, front and back. That's six pages of writing. I love that. Usually It's me writing the six pages worth of stuff and getting maybe a paragraph in return. I wrote 1 page front and back and thought it was good and this person comes back with six freakin' pages. It pretty much made my day. Although I have to wonder how long that it's been sitting in my mailbox. It probably got here last Thursday while I was at home.

Therefore my list of things to do tonight is...Chemistry, unpack and clean my room, and write a letter back. Maybe history, maybe.

I just got an email from someone else now about where I may work this summer. It's pretty much up in the air right now. God I wish everything was just set out. I don't know how some people have their lives figured out so well already. It's insane. I don't even know where I can get a summer job right now.

Ah well, it's 64 and sunny out, who cares about everything else. God I love spring.

Song: John Michael Montgomery - Be My Baby Tonight

Fish and Nuts

Oh I wish I understood things...I will just work on not showing that. Smile and keep on going. I read somewhere that if you act happy eventually it just catches on to you and you can't help but be happy. That's going to be my goal this week. Just make myself happy, no matter what. It actually worked pretty good today. So my hopes are high.

Has anyone ever tried chocolate and banana cake? Apparently it's not too popular. I think it's delicious. People are just afraid to try new things I think. Just give new things a shot, you'd be surprised. I read a book over break...how's that for new? Yeah that's right ME...READING.

Speaking of trying new things, I wanna try bullriding. Anybody with me? Seriously. It looks like so much fun. You can't deny it. The pain factor might scare some people away, but hey, that's the price you may have to pay. But maybe not. It's all up in the air until you try it.

That's my advice for the week. Go try something new. Anything. It doesn't have to be food. Whatever. Just try something new.

I've heard this song 5 times today. And it's still stuck in my frickin' head. Get it out!

Song: Daniel Powter - Bad Day

Broken Twigs and Raked Leaves

So it looks like I'm going to get my new laptop as soon as I can get my loans all figured out for next year. That should give me some energy and interest to doing that.

I'm trying to decide between three laptops right now, so far anyone who's reading this and is into computer stuff at all feel free to add your opinion. I'm trying to decide between two Sagers, the 3880 and the 5320 and the ASUS A8Jm.

Tommorrow should be a good day. Easter service in the morning, get some work done (taxes) in the afternoon, and early birthday dinner in the evening (YES!). So all in all, looking forward to it.

I was just watching ESPN2 Boxing. Peter Manfredo Jr (who I actually completely hate) was fighting Sergio Mora. Manfredo got completely screwed. It was a split decision going to Mora. But Manfredo landed alot more punches than Mora who was on the defensive the entire fight. Everybody knew that Manfredo won, except, it seemed, the judges.

Just thought I'd throw that in there. I don't like it when boxing comes down to judges decisions. It's so subjective. It was in Mora's hometown. Not saying that had anything to do with it but...I hate to see a boxer get screwed over like that. Have you ever tried boxing? Just go up to a punching bag for maybe a minute and keep punching and circling it. You'll be dead tired. It's hard stuff.

Song: Brad Paisley - Mud On the Tires

I Can Feel It

“If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams and endeavors to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.” - Henry David Thoreau

I sat out in the sun today for a couple of hours reading. Reading...me...what is going on? It was really nice though. Incredibly relaxing, it was 70 degrees out and amazing. I hope tommorrow is just as nice.

That quote is a quote that is in the book I was reading. I should read more. It really gets you thinking, about good stuff instead of stupid pointless stuff that when all taken into account, doesn't really matter.

It's funny how much time we waste thinking about and doing stuff that really doesn't matter. If I myself, and we, as a general population of human beings, were more productive with our time, I can't even imagine the results.

Of course if there is anyone reading this that knows me they are probably thinking 'who is he to talk?!' because I, admittedly, waste as much time as anybody.

More and more as I think about what I want to do my life I find myself being led in different directions. But I don't think that that is necessarily a bad thing either. The more I think about wanting to do something with computers the more I think that the 'something' I want to do may involve business to the point of being pointedly focused more on business than computers themselves.

Song: Weezer - Island in the Sun

You got me in a spin but everything is A-OK

Oh my God, this day has the potential to be really really bad. Just took a chemistry test, I've never taken a worse test in my life. I mean I've taken bad tests but damn...90% of my test time was sitting there chewing on my pen trying to figure out how I could BS my way through the problems. Usually I can BS my way through the math on Chem tests but there was too much chem and not enough math on this one.

I have a history test in about an hour and a half so that could make my day even worse.

All I know is that I need more sleep. I addressed emails to myself this morning and actually sent one of them to myself before I realized what I had done. I wouldn't have even realized it if I wouldn't have hit the refresh button on accident. Oh well, I have 2 more days left here, I will make the most of them and sleep when I go home, and on the car ride home. Definetly on the car ride home.

But guess what? I DON'T CARE! It's 65 degrees out right now and by this afternoon it's supposed to get above 70 degrees! I can make up for chem on the final which I assure you will be a B or higher. And History...well, hopefully I can pull off a C on this one.

Tommorrow it's supposed to be just as nice outside. The day after that I go home. Therefore this is actually gonna be a pretty good week minus today. It's funny, I want to go home, I'm looking forward to it. But by the time I come back next Monday I'll have wanted to leave for about 3 days I bet.

I wish I knew where I was going with all this college stuff. The odds of me staying here for more than next year are pretty slim. If I go with a computer major. Although I'm really interested in taking psychology next year. I'm not sure if I want to be interested in it or not. That'll just complicate things if I get interested in that instead of computers. But I already find the different ways people think about things and approach situations interesting.

It's weird how a situation can be percieved so much differently by every single person who views it. I love listening to people just tell me what they think about things that are happening. It's interesting to hear the different points they bring up and emphasize.

Song: Bowling for Soup - Get Happy